


Burn My Bridges Down

by controlofwhatido



Category: Glee RPF
Genre: Body Dysphoria, FTM Chris, M/M, Social Anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-28
Updated: 2015-10-28
Packaged: 2018-04-28 15:53:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5096444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/controlofwhatido/pseuds/controlofwhatido
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The name on Chris’s collarbone is <i>Darren Criss</i>. That’s the name of Chris’s soulmate. A soulmate he never wants to meet because he knows the name Darren has on <i>his</i> collarbone is <i>Christina Colfer</i> and that person doesn’t exist. (ftm!Chris)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Burn My Bridges Down

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the CrissColfer Big Bang 2015, title is from OneRepublic’s song, Burning Bridges. I’ve had this fic idea in my head for a long time, and I’ve done a lot of research. Thanks to [luckiedee](http://luckiedee.tumblr.com) for (most of) the beta work, to [lovetheblazer](http://lovetheblazer.tumblr.com) for looking this over for me, and to [too-much-tea](http://too-much-tea.tumblr.com) for the lovely [art](http://too-much-tea.tumblr.com/post/132095948100/the-name-on-chriss-collarbone-is-darren-criss)!

_You and I were meant to be, ain’t no doubt about it, no way to hide that sort of thing_

 

Chris has a routine.

Every morning he’s up with his alarm and this morning is no different. His legs ache from pushing himself a little _too_ hard on his run yesterday, but his arms feel great and it only takes him a few moments to fumble for his glasses, stumble out into the hallway and over to his tiny weight machine.

The sun is just starting to rise over the horizon, shedding a small amount of light into Chris’s living room, but he’s too busy counting to notice or care. He goes through his curls, his presses, and finishes with pull ups on the bar in his bathroom doorway.

If there’s one part of his body that he actually _likes_ , it’s his arms. They’re no longer twigs – he’s built a decent amount of muscle over the years and likes how his shirts get a little tight around his biceps when he flexes. He’s learned, over time, to focus more on what he does like than what he doesn’t – and that piece of advice has helped him through some pretty rough moments.

After downing half a bottle of water, he enters the bathroom, flicks on the light, and starts the shower. It’s only been a couple of years – since his surgery – that he’s been able to shower with the light on. So many years of fumbling around in the dark just because he couldn’t stand what he saw in the mirror. But now that he looks like what he feels he _should_ look like (the top half, at least), he no longer gets crippling dysphoria from seeing his naked reflection.

He showers quickly, shampooing his hair on auto-pilot, and washes his body without looking down when he swipes the washcloth between his legs. He’s more comfortable with what he has (and doesn’t have) there than he used to be, but he’ll never enjoy looking at it.

The other thing he doesn’t look at – what he hasn’t paid attention to in _years_ – is the writing just under his collarbone. He knows what it says but it doesn’t mean anything to him. Chris has (mostly) accepted that he’ll never meet _Darren Criss_ , his _soulmate_ – and whoever this Darren is, he would never want someone like Chris. Let alone want to marry him if they ever _do_ meet – like most soulmates tend to do.

*

Chris isn’t working at his dream job – far from it, actually – but it keeps him in his tiny apartment and helps him pay for his injections. LA isn’t a cheap town, but it’s lifetimes better than where he grew up… in a town that all but completely rejected him when he started transitioning.

He works a nine-to-five desk job at an insurance company, entering data and other menial tasks that he can do in his sleep. Some days he feels like he does sleep through his shifts – either daydreaming about books he could be writing instead or on the rare occasion still, feeling awful about himself.

None of his coworkers _know_. He started this job before his surgery, but all anyone knows is that he was out for a little while because of an appendectomy.

His parents know, obviously. He remembers the exact day he came out to them – cried over how he really felt, how he _hated_ his body – and he remembers how his dad couldn’t even _look_ at him. How his dad just didn’t understand why his daughter is a boy. How he still doesn’t understand.

His mom is a little more accepting. She has never really understood _why_ , but she was the one who took Chris to the doctor, the one who helped give him the first few testosterone shots, the one who never slips up anymore and calls him Christina.

Hannah… well, it’s not her fault she doesn’t completely understand. One day she had a big sister and the next her big sister was gone and she had a big brother? Chris tried to explain it to her the best he could, but the technicalities got lost on her and he decided he was always going to be fine with her still calling him Chrissy.

Work is _dull_. He keeps to himself in his cubicle, mechanically punching away at his keyboard, trying not to count down the hours – _minutes_ until five o’clock. He has a notebook beside his keyboard where he jots down ideas for the book he’s been working on for as long as he can remember. He dreams of getting it published – of being able to live off of royalties and signing bonuses – but something like that will never happen to him.

When his phone vibrates with a text, he’s glad for the interruption.

 **From Kevin:** Skip the break room today and meet for lunch?

Chris rolls his eyes – Kevin knows Chris always eats at his desk – but he’s glad for the option to leave the building for a little while, even if it’s only for an hour.

 **To Kevin:** The usual?

 **From Kevin:** You know it

Chris has known Kevin ever since he moved to LA. They were seated next to each other at an audition for a part that neither of them got (that was one of Chris’s first and only auditions – he figured out really fast that he wasn’t the type directors were looking for) and commiserated over a burger and fries and they’ve been friends ever since.

Kevin is the only person in the city (besides Chris’s doctor) that knows – knows that Chris has to give himself an injection every week, knows that before he had enough money squirreled away for surgery, he had to wear a binder that killed his back every day.

There’s still an hour until lunch, so Chris busies himself with making a couple of phone calls, answering a few e-mails, and inputting a seemingly never-ending amount of data. It feels like the seconds and minutes just drag along but it’s _finally_ noon and he’s out of his chair, walking toward the door without a backwards glance.

They meet at a hole-in-the wall diner that is almost equidistant between their jobs. Kevin’s already there when Chris gets arrives – the benefits of making his own hours when he’s not recording – and Chris slides into the booth across from him, not even needing a menu.

“So, plans Friday night?” Kevin asks, glancing over to their favorite waiter and giving him a little nod that they’re ready.

Chris scoffs and pushes his sunglasses on top of his head. “Not even a hello? What kind of invite is that?”

Kevin’s interrupted by their waiter coming over and asking if they both want their usual – which they do, of course. No sense in ruining a good thing. After Charlie nods, promising to be right back with their drinks before leaving, Kevin leans his forearms on the table and arches an eyebrow at Chris. “There’s a show Friday night – dude’s pretty kickass – I’ve met him once but I want to try to get him on my show,” Kevin says.

“And I need to be there, why?” Chris asks. He’s not overly fond of loud music and crowds – especially crowds – and Kevin’s taste of music can sometimes leave a lot to be desired.

“Because,” Kevin starts, pausing when their drinks are delivered, “you need to get _out_ , Colfer. Spending your nights off in front of your laptop is _so_ starving writer.”

Arching an eyebrow as he sips from his Diet Coke, Chris stares at Kevin over the rim of his glass. “Kevin, I _am_ a starving writer.”

Kevin’s phone beeps with what sounds like a text, but he only glances at it briefly before knocking his foot against Chris’s shin. “That is no excuse for missing out on fun – and trust me, it’s going to be great.”

Their food arrives before Chris is able to respond, and his stomach lets out an appropriately loud growl, loud enough that Charlie hears it and chuckles.

“Sounds like I got here just in time,” Charlie says, winking before heading over to another table.

Chris watches Charlie walk away before turning back to Kevin. “Don’t even start,” Chris says huffs and picks up his sandwich. “I know exactly what you’re going to say – and _no_.”

Kevin takes a huge bite of his burger and chews loudly before swallowing and taking a sip of his tea. “You could ask him to come to the show with us Friday! He’s cute, he obviously hasn’t found his soulmate yet, and he seems pretty into you – “

Chris tosses a balled up napkin at Kevin’s head and just shakes his head. “No,” Chris says, sighing. “You know that…” That Chris hasn’t ever been out on a real date, that he’s not looking for his soulmate in the slightest, and that he’s too damn scared to let anyone like that get close enough where he’d have to tell them the truth.  

“I know, I know, I’m sorry,” Kevin says, raising his hands in mock surrender. “But will you at least think about coming with Friday? You _might_ actually have a good time.”

Kevin does kind of have a point (as much as Chris hates to admit it). His usual Friday nights (well, all his nights) consist of whatever he can put together for dinner and sitting on the couch with his laptop, either staring at a blinking cursor in his word doc or trolling YouTube for funny cat videos. If he goes, he can always leave if he hates the music or he starts to get uncomfortable. “Okay, okay… fine.”

Kevin lets out a quiet cheer before taking another huge bite of his burger. “Knew you’d give in,” he says around a mouthful of food.

“Gross,” Chris says, anxiety already starting to build in his chest just thinking about Friday. He may have agreed to go but that doesn’t mean that he’s not going to be partially dreading it until it’s over and he’s back at his apartment.

*

“So who is this guy that we’re going to see anyway?” Chris asks after Kevin picks him up. It’s a clever move on Kevin’s part – Chris can’t so easily up and leave if he doesn’t have his car with him.

“Oh,” Kevin says, reaching out to turn the volume down on the radio. “His name is Theo Katzman – he’s up and coming on the indie circuit and I hear he puts on a pretty damn good show.”

Chris just nods – he hasn’t heard that name before but that doesn’t mean much. Kevin knows a lot of artists and bands thanks to his radio show.

Traffic sucks and they arrive at the bar just before the show is scheduled to start. There’s an open table toward the back, and Chris takes a seat right away while Kevin heads to the bar. Chris is _really_ not a fan of noisy, crowded places but so far, so good because everyone is sitting down at their tables and the air isn’t stifling.

“Got you a Cosmo,” Kevin says, sliding into his seat with a glass in each hand. He sets Chris’s drink in front of him and takes a long sip of his… whatever pink fruity concoction he ordered. Chris never knows when it comes to Kevin and alcohol.

Chris didn’t _want_ any alcohol, but there’s no time to protest because a cheer erupts when a handful of guys walk onto the stage. He doesn’t get a chance to really look at any of them before they start in on their first song.

This guy – _Theo_ – is pretty decent. Chris does have to concede that Kevin _sometimes_ has pretty good taste in music, and he’s almost surprised to notice that he’s been tapping his foot to the beat almost the entire time.

It isn’t until the second song that Chris’s eyes wander to the rest of the band. He can’t really see the guy on the drums behind Theo, but his gaze keeps drifting to one of the guitarists – the one with dark hair and glasses.

Just because Chris doesn’t want to date doesn’t mean he’s dead inside. Even from the back of bar, Chris can see that the guy is pretty attractive. If Chris had a type, that guy might be pretty close to it. Chris can’t stop staring as the guitar player puts his whole body into playing each song, rings of sweat becoming obvious on his grey shirt. It makes Chris’s belly twinge with arousal.

“So, I’d like to take a moment to introduce my band while we all take a little breather,” Theo says from up on stage, setting his guitar down to grab for a bottle of water. He points towards the guitarist that Chris has been looking at. “First of all, _huge_ thanks to my buddy Darren Criss for stepping in last minute for Tomek – “

And the room closes in on Chris.

He doesn’t hear anything else Theo says, but he feels like he’s going to pass out right there in his chair. He swallows and swallows and tries to inhale but he can’t. He thinks Kevin is trying to say something to him, but all he hears is white noise and his vision is blurry even though he keeps blinking.

“Chris? _Chris?”_ Kevin says, hand on Chris’s shoulder.

“I’m – “ Chris mumbles, trying to stumble out of his chair. “I need some air,” he chokes out, almost tripping over his feet while he attempts to remember where the door is.

A cool breeze hits his face when he manages to make it outside and it shocks some life back into his body. He… the guy he had been staring at was his _soulmate_. Up until then, the name _Darren Criss_ had just been… an idea. A tattoo etched onto Chris’s body that he ignored every day.

He never wanted to actually _know_. He wanted to live his life, completely ignoring anything that had to do with soulmates because he never wanted to meet his.

And now he’s standing right outside the building that his soulmate is inside of.

“Jesus, Chris… what happened?” Kevin asks, jogging over to where Chris is hunched up against the wall. “You looked like you were going to hit the floor.”

Chris waves him off and shakes his head – mouth completely unable to form anything coherent. He feels as if his whole world has been picked up, tossed around, and completely rearranged – all in the matter of seconds. Seconds of hearing _his_ name. Knowing who he is. Knowing _exactly_ what name Darren has tattooed right below his collarbone – Christina Colfer.

Darren’s soulmate is someone who doesn’t exist anymore – who hardly existed in the first place. There were times when Chris felt bad about Darren never meeting his soulmate, but Chris knows Darren is better off.

“Chris, seriously… you’re sorta scaring me right now,” Kevin says, crowding closer, gripping Chris’s biceps with both hands.

His throat still feels too closed up to talk, but he tries so Kevin doesn’t end up doing something stupid like calling an ambulance. “Just… felt lightheaded. Needed some air.” He takes a deep, gasping breath and attempts to move out of Kevin’s grasp.

Kevin looks up at him and squints behind his glasses. “If you say so…” he trails off, loosening his grip on Chris’s arms. “Feel okay to go back in?”

“No!” Chris says, clearing his throat immediately to try to cover up his outburst. “You – you go back in. I’m just gonna… catch a bus home.”

Scrunching up his nose in disgust, Kevin glances down the street. “You hate public transit. And it’ll take you an hour to get home. Let me go close up my tab and I’ll drive you – you still look like shit.”

Chris sighs and leans heavily against the wall behind him, nodding to send Kevin away – if even for a few moments. Kevin knows _so_ much about him, but not this. Not the name of his soulmate. He’s not quite sure how he’s going to explain this near-panic attack away, but Kevin is just going to have to accept a vague answer.

Kevin quickly pulls the car around and is thankfully quiet during the ride to Chris’s apartment. Chris knows he should say something – anything – but he just stares out the window and tries to forget what Darren Criss looks like.

When Kevin stops the car in front of Chris’s building, he shifts into park and turns toward Chris. “All I want to know is that you’re going to be okay, man.”

It takes him half a second, but Chris nods and tries to give Kevin a smile, but it comes out more like a grimace. “A good night’s sleep in on my lumpy mattress, and I’ll be good as new.”

Kevin gives him a dubious look, but shrugs and unlocks the doors. “Call me if you need me. We on for lunch Monday?”

“Sure,” Chris says absently before getting out of the car. He waves as Kevin pulls away and then trudges up to his apartment door.

They never really discuss soulmates much – mostly because Chris has never really _cared_ – but Chris knows that if Kevin met his soulmate, he’d be delighted. All Chris knows about the tattoo on Kevin’s shoulder is that the first name is Jamie and Kevin isn’t concerned if they’re a man or a woman. He’d be fine either way.

Chris isn’t delighted at all. He’s not quite sure what he’s feeling - overwhelmed, nauseated, lightheaded – but mostly… numb. He can’t quite get the image of Darren’s face out of his head – the image of his _soulmate’s_ face. He’s real – he exists.

Chris doesn’t know whether to laugh hysterically or cry.

Instead, he fills his stupidly tiny tub with as much hot water as he’s able, peels off his clothes and hisses as he steps in.

He tries to think of something – _anything_ – else, but all he can hear is Theo saying Darren’s name over and over again. It must be his imagination going overboard, but it almost feels as if his tattoo is tingling. Like it _knows_ he knows who Darren is now.

All he wants to do is forget… forget, and pretend this day never happened. As he sinks further down into the tub, his chin dipping into the water and his knees jutting out into the cold air, he wishes – not for the first time – that things were different.

*

Chris ends up cancelling his lunch with Kevin and it doesn’t take much to avoid Kevin over the next couple of weeks. Sometimes they go days without even texting because of their jobs (mostly Kevin’s) and their social lives (always Kevin’s).

Chris actually enjoys the peace and quiet. Each work day is slow and monotonous, but he takes on extra projects just to keep his brain occupied. Every night at home, he goes through his stash of soda at an alarming rate while he types furiously on his laptop, cranking out more of his book than he ever has in such a short period of time.

While he sleeps, he dreams of twisted and bizarre fairytales – almost all featuring a mysterious curly haired man. He never remembers the true details when he wakes, but it’s been enough to send his writers block packing, which has him daydreaming about _finally_ publishing his very first book.

Kevin does manage to coax him into accepting a lunch invite almost three weeks after the bar… incident. He’s grateful that Kevin seemed to know that he needed some space.

But when Chris makes it to their usual lunch spot, Kevin isn’t there… Kevin _always_ gets there before him. He waits a few more minutes, and just as he’s about to give up and leave, his phone vibrates with a text.

 **From Kevin:** Dude, so sorry! Got caught up with a meeting… have time to grab our food to go and meet me here? I’ll pay u back

Sighing, Chris gives a nod to the girl behind the counter and she starts packing up their food. It’s not a long walk to Kevin’s workplace, which is the only reason Chris agreeing to this – he only gets an hour for lunch, he doesn’t want to waste most of that walking and not being able to eat.

 **To Kevin:** Ok I’ll be there in a few, Alex put in our order when I walked in and it’s ready to go.

 **From Kevin:** Sweet, I knew I liked that girl

It’s a bit of a struggle to balance both drinks and two bags of food – his coordination tends to be a little lacking sometimes – but he makes it to the front doors of Kevin’s building without incident. There’s already a guest badge waiting for him – which, thank goodness. He really didn’t want to waste any more of his break waiting around.

Kevin’s office and studio are on the third floor, and as soon as Chris exits the elevator, he can hear Kevin talking to someone. That someone laughs but they’re both out of sight around the corner and Chris can’t see who it is yet, but just the sound of laughter makes Chris’s heartrate speed up ever so slightly.

He finds out why, just as he rounds the corner and is surprised he doesn’t drop the food and drinks right there.

It’s _Darren_. Standing there, talking to Kevin. _Fuck_.

Chris feels like a deer caught in headlights. He can’t move – and when he manages to make a strangled, choking noise, both Kevin and Darren turn their heads and see them there.

Kevin doesn’t seem to notice the predicament Chris is currently in; he just comes over and slaps his hand on Chris’s shoulder. “Food! Great, I’m starving! Hey, Darren – this is my friend, Chris.”

Darren smiles brightly and holds out his hand before awkwardly realizing Chris’s hands are full. Not that Chris would actually be able to _touch_ him if he could. “Chris, awesome to meet you… Kevin was just mentioning that his buddy was bringing him grub since I ran my mouth and kept him too long.”

“Nah, dude… you rocked! I can’t wait to get you and Theo on my show – have him shoot me an e-mail and we’ll set up a time!” Kevin says, reaching out to bump fists with Darren. “Now, Colfer – it’s chow time before my stomach eats itself.”

Chris can tell the second it registers with Darren, what Kevin just said. Darren freezes in place with his eyebrows raised almost to his hairline and just _stares_ at Chris.

“I – I gotta go,” Chris says, shoving the bags and cups toward Kevin. He barely gives Kevin enough time to grab everything before he turns around and gets the hell out of there. The elevator is too slow so he throws open the doors to the stairs, just barely hearing Kevin yelling after him.

He makes it down to street level and rushes to the exit, trying not to make a scene. As soon as he’s outside, he gasps for air – he didn’t even realize he was holding it the entire time down. How is it that he’s gone his _entire_ life not knowing who Darren is – not ever _thinking_ about him – and now he’s seen him twice in one month?

He doesn’t _want_ to know who Darren is.

He’s definitely never meeting Kevin at work again. Or going anywhere with Kevin.

 **From Kevin:** Dude wtf was that?? You looked like you saw a ghost and D wanted 2 run after u

Chris knows if he ignores the text, Kevin will just keep blowing up his phone until he answers. It’s not like he can say _you were talking to my soulmate and I freaked the fuck out again_. He hopes Darren doesn’t start asking Kevin questions, like if Chris has a sister and is her name Christina by chance?

Because… no. _No_. Christina Colfer doesn’t exist and Chris doesn’t ever want Darren to find that out. A tiny, itty bitty part of Chris thinks Darren deserves to know that he’ll never meet his soulmate – but the fact that Chris absolutely does not want to deal with Darren knowing who he really is overwhelms any sort of guilt he might have.

 **To Kevin:** Sorry have to get back to work. I’m fine.

He shuts his phone off and pockets it before making his way back to work. Maybe he’ll move. He liked New York the last (and only) time he visited when he was a kid. He can’t afford to move but it’s the only solution he has right now to avoid ever running into Darren again.

After work, Chris reluctantly turns his phone back on. He would never forgive himself if something happened to Hannah and he missed the call. Thankfully there aren’t any messages from his mother (he wasn’t expecting any – Hannah has been in good health recently) but there’s a barrage of texts from Kevin, all asking what the hell is going on.

Chris sighs and knows he’s going to have to tell Kevin. This isn’t really behavior he can sweep under the rug.

 **To Kevin:** Bring over a pizza and I’ll explain.

Bribing Kevin with food almost always works (even though it’s on Kevin’s dime – to be fair, Kevin makes a lot more than Chris does), and Kevin immediately texts back that he’ll be at Chris’s door in an hour.

That makes Chris frantically look around, eyes opening to just how _messy_ his apartment is. There are empty Diet Coke cans scattered around his couch, a dirty shirt tossed over the back of a chair, and he knows his sink is full of dirty dishes.

He scrambles around, gathering as many cans as he can in his arms and tosses them in the recycling. He doesn’t have time to do all of the dishes, so he just fills up the sink with hot, soapy water and hopes that hides just how many there are.

He’s not one to have guests – just Kevin every once in a while. Even his parents haven’t seen the shitty little apartment he lives in. Kevin affectionately calls it his “writerly solitude,” which Chris knows is completely true.

By the time there’s a knock on his door, Chris is halfway to the bathroom to scrub the toilet. He curses and stashes the cleaner under the sink before jogging the few feet to open the door.

Kevin’s standing there, huge pizza box in hand and a six pack of Diet Coke in the other. “Dinner is served,” he says, walking past Chris to set the pizza on the coffee table.

“Thanks,” Chris says, his stomach growling at the smell of food even though he’s wound up with anxiety. “I’ll just go grab… plates and napkins.”

Kevin is already shoving a slice into his mouth and he gives Chris thumbs up before taking a huge bite.

The paper plates that Chris grabbed don’t get any use, and Chris is glad for the excuse to stuff his face for a few minutes before he’s going to be forced to talk. Kevin rambles on about work between bites, and Chris nods and grunts in response, only halfway listening while he tries to not chicken out.

“So, dude,” Kevin eventually says, crushing his empty can in his hand before setting it beside the pizza box. “You gonna tell me what the hell is going on with you?”

Chris sighs and picks at his crust, still trying to figure out how to do this. “I just – you see…” He makes a frustrated noise and tosses his crust down onto his unused plate before reaching up for the buttons on his shirt. “This’ll probably explain everything,” he says, shaky fingers managing to slip each button out of its hole.

Not everyone is so private about their marks. There are plenty of unmatched people that walk around with their collarbones visible, but Chris has never wanted anyone to see unless it was absolutely necessary.

He closes his eyes when he slips his open shirt off his shoulder, not really wanting to see Kevin’s reaction.

“Holy shit,” Kevin gasps, shifting on the couch. “Dude! Darren’s your soulmate!”

“Yeah, I know,” Chris says quietly, blinking his eyes open and starting at his knees while he puts himself back together. “And you know precisely why I’m not exactly _thrilled_ about that.”

Kevin nods in understanding and is quiet for a moment before he gently rests his hand on Chris’s knee.  Chris still isn’t used to being… touched, but he’s gotten used to it with Kevin. “I know you’ve never… _wanted_ to meet him. But there’s a reason why he’s your _soulmate_ , Chris. You two are destined to be together. He’s going to understand.”

Chris shakes his head and curses the sting he feels in his eyes. “Darren’s soulmate is a girl, Kevin. I’ll never be his soulmate – he’s going to spend his whole life looking for… Christina.” He can’t even say the name without scrunching his nose in disgust.

“Just hear me out?” Kevin asks. “If I had a chance to meet Jamie? I’d jump at it – whether my Jamie is a guy or a girl, it doesn’t matter to me. I’ll be fine either way because somewhere, somehow it was decided that we’re meant for each other. The same way you and Darren are meant for each other.”

Swallowing hard, Chris still can’t look Kevin in the eye. “I don’t think I could handle telling him, and then having him reject me or look at me like I’m disgusting. That would…” he trails off, quickly wiping away a stray tear, his chest aching just thinking about it. “That would absolutely ruin me, if that happened.”

“I don’t know Darren all that well yet,” Kevin says, twisting on the couch so he’s facing Chris. “But he seems like a pretty relaxed dude. I honestly think that he’s not like that –  he’ll probably be _ecstatic_ to meet you.”

Chris can feel the anxiety gripping his insides – his chest is constricting and it’s becoming difficult to breathe. “I – I _can’t_ , Kevin… I can’t risk it,” he says. His eyes are swimming with tears and it’s just so _unfair_. He’s not sure how he’d feel about soulmates if life had been… different. He’s spent more of his life getting used to the idea of never wanting to meet his. Now that he has – he can barely tell which way is up anymore.

“I don’t want to say you owe it to Darren to let him know,” Kevin says quietly. “Because this is your life, too. You get to decide what you want to do. But I think you should give Darren the chance to decide for himself.”

Ultimately, Chris knows that. Knowing who Darren is has changed everything – the name on his collarbone he used to completely ignore now belongs to a living, breathing human being with gorgeous curly hair. “I know,” he says eventually, resigned. He heaves out a breath and leans against the back of the couch. “I’m just – I need to think about it.”

Kevin hops up and starts cleaning up their garbage from dinner. “Totally, man. I’ll get out of your hair, got an early show tomorrow. And… Chris? Thanks. For telling me. I was getting worried about you.”

Even though Chris feels like he’s unraveling, he gives Kevin a relieved smile. He’s grateful for Kevin’s friendship and understanding. “Sorry I’ve flipped out on you twice, now.”

Kevin brushes him off with a wave of the hand. “Dude, no biggie. Now that I know what’s up? I totally understand.”

Chris helps get everything in the garbage and bids Kevin a good night, letting him out of his apartment. He feels absolutely drained after all of that so he retreats to his bedroom and changes into his pajamas before hopping into bed with his laptop.

In the fairytale world that he’s writing, there is no such thing as soulmates.

*

The next morning after Chris’s dinner with Kevin, Chris wakes up in a fog. He’s sure he dreamt about Darren but the details are still foggy, as usual. All he knows is that he’s gone from never giving his soulmate’s name a second thought to thinking about him day in and day out.

He makes it through the rest of the workweek on autopilot. When he’s home, he writes. He doesn’t know much of anything about Darren, but Chris is pretty sure the new character he started writing is based on him.

He sticks to his routine, even though grocery shopping is the _last_ thing he wants to be doing – but he’s out of Diet Coke and that is a tragedy.  Except his routine is completely thrown off when he’s at the store just a few blocks away from his apartment and he sees Darren heading in his direction in the produce aisle. The grocery store was the _last_ place he thought he’d ever run into Darren.

He feels like a caged animal, trapped. There’s not really anywhere Chris can run to and hide, so he takes a deep, calming breath and squares his shoulders right before Darren looks up and sees him.

“Chris! Hey!” Darren says, eyes lighting up.

It would be so easy to feign that he’s running late, that he has somewhere to be… but he’s not quite sure he could actually run away from Darren a third time. The _pull_ he feels toward Darren is too strong. “Hey Darren,” Chris says and it feels weird to actually say Darren’s name out loud.

Darren glances down at the contents of Chris’s grocery cart (which makes Chris fight hard not to blush, he’s lazy and not a great chef, so his shopping consists of mostly Diet Coke and microwavable meals) before looking back up at Chris. “Listen, uh – “

It feels slightly claustrophobic, this awkward moment they’re in. Chris argues with himself for a brief second before he blurts out, “I think we should talk.”

Darren goes still, his eyes darting to Chris’s collarbone for a split second, as if he could see through the fabric of the t-shirt. “Yeah, I – that sounds like a good idea.”

Now Chris feels like he backed himself into a corner. When he told Kevin he’d think about telling Darren, he never expected it to happen so _soon_ – and now he can’t avoid it. “When should… when do you…?”

“Now’s good – I have no plans. Zero plans, in fact,” Darren says, pointedly looking into his empty basket before setting it down in a stack of them at the end of the aisle. “Lead the way, Mr. Colfer,” he adds, his voice slightly breaking on Chris’s last name.

“So, um… my apartment?” Chris squeaks out. He doesn’t want to suggest a coffee shop because this is not a conversation to have in public. At least, not one _he_ wants to have in public.

“Sure,” Darren says quietly, eyes wide.

Chris can’t figure out anything to say while Darren follows him to the checkout and waits for Chris to purchase his items. His chest feels tight, like it’s difficult to breathe and he forces himself to calm down. He’s going to be alone with his _soulmate_ and soon he’s going to be _completely_ alone again because there’s no way Darren will stick around once Chris tells him the truth.

“So, uh – I live just down that way,” Chris says, nodding in the right direction as he takes his two bags and case of Diet Coke.

Darren nods, his curls shifting in the breeze when they step outside. “Sweet, I’m just back that direction,” he says and points behind them. “Here, let me help you with that.”

Chris hands over one of the bags, his chest clenching even tighter with that knowledge – that he’s been within walking distance of Darren for who knows how long and they’re just meeting now because fate apparently just doesn’t like Chris.

They’re both quiet as Chris leads them the couple blocks to his apartment. He doesn’t have time to get anxious about the state of his living room before Darren is offering to hold his groceries while Chris fishes his keys out of his pocket.

“Thanks,” Chris says quietly. He manages to unlock the door – no thanks to his shaky hands – and leads Darren inside. “So, this is it,” he shrugs half-heartedly and takes the bags from Darren.

“A bit bigger than the dump I live in, and I have to share it with a roommate – which fucking sucks in such a small space,” Darren says, already making himself at home as he sits down on the couch.

Chris nods like he understands, but he doesn’t. He’s never had a roommate – though Kevin has offered numerous times. Even as a kid, he never had to share a room with Hannah. After quickly tossing the meals in the freezer, he turns back toward Darren and takes a deep breath that doesn’t do much to calm his nerves. “So, Darren – “

“Your last name is Colfer,” Darren says, clearly not wanting to beat around the bush any longer.

“Um, yes, I – “

Before Chris can finish, Darren is up off the couch and looking at the few pictures Chris has on his bookshelf. “Is this your sister?” he asks, pointing at one of Chris’s favorite pictures of Hannah from their last trip to Disneyland.

Chris nods, but Darren has his back to him so he clears his throat. “Yes, that’s Hannah,” he says, noticing the slight fall in Darren’s shoulders when it’s clearly not the name he wants to hear. It feels like Chris’s entire body is trembling and it’s a wonder he’s still upright, he’s so nervous. But he led Darren here for a reason, and he knows he can’t put it off any longer. “You might want to sit back down for this.”

Darren’s eyes widen slightly and he nods, returning to his seat. “This is about soulmates, right? You – you know who mine is.”

Darren must’ve been going through the same confusing feelings since Kevin introduced them and probably couldn’t figure out why the hell it was happening. Chris has heard people talk about how distracting it is when you finally meet your soulmate – dreams, daydreams, itchy feeling under your skin. All of that has been happening to Chris since the night in the bar, but he never thought Darren would be going through the same thing. He didn’t think it was _possible_ because Christina Colfer doesn’t exist.

“This isn’t easy for me to say,” Chris says as he starts to pace back and forth. “But I… I think you deserve to know.” He feels a panic attack coming on, but he tries to focus and take deep breaths so he calms down. “My birth name was Christina,” he says, ignoring the gasp he hears from Darren. He doesn’t want to look at Darren’s face right now and possibly see disgust there. “I haven’t been – I wasn’t ever… _her_. I’m this – I’m me. I’m Christopher.”

“Wow… fuck,” Darren says faintly. “You mean…?”

Chris dares to sneak a glance at Darren and when he sees Darren staring at him with a blank look on his face, Chris has to look away again. He’s already regretting all of this – the heavy feeling in his chest almost bringing him down to the floor. He should’ve moved – gotten as far away from Los Angeles that he could possibly afford and never looked back. “I… I’m sorry,” he says, needing to get away but they’re in _his_ apartment. He settles for stumbling toward the kitchen. “I’m sorry I’m not what – “ He’s cut off by a warm, gentle hand on his arm and he slowly turns around, not able to look Darren in the eyes.

“Don’t be sorry,” Darren says, brushing his thumb across Chris’s forearm and just that simple touch sends goose bumps across Chris’s skin. “I was just… that wasn’t what I was expecting you to say. We’re soulmates then, right? You… you have my name?”

Chris nods, waiting for the _but_ to come. _But you’re a… guy and I’m straight. But I don’t think I can be with someone like you. But I just can’t do it_.

“Well, fuck – okay,” Darren says and his hand drops from Chris’s arm but he doesn’t step away. “We should probably get to know each other a little better, don’t you think?”

That startles Chris so much he finally looks up at Darren. “Wh-what?”

“Yeah,” Darren says, nodding. “Can I… can I see? I mean, fuck – we should probably go on a date first – shit, is that too fast? A coffee date? Do you even drink coffee – I hate coffee.”

“Darren,” Chris says, cutting off Darren’s rambling. He feels dizzy. Darren actually wants to spend time with him? To get to know him? He’s not running for the hills? “You can’t possibly… want this,” he says, vaguely gesturing at himself. “It’s okay if you just want to… if you want to leave.”

“Chris,” Darren says so softly, so sweetly that it makes Chris’s heart stutter in his chest. “You’re my soulmate. That means we’re meant for each other – no matter what, isn’t that what they say?”

Chris shakes his head and turns away. Darren is being naive. There’s no such thing as _no matter what_. Chris has never believed that soulmates are the end-all-be-all, especially when Darren doesn’t have his name – not really. “You… you were meant to be with a _girl_ , Darren. And I’m obviously – not her,” Chris chokes out, his eyes stinging.

There’s a beat of silence before Darren clears his throat. “Chris,” he repeats, his fingers a feather-like touch on Chris’s wrist. “I’m not going to lie to you, this is…”

“Not what you wanted, I know,” Chris interrupts, wanting to pull away from Darren but it’s difficult when just a simple touch makes him shiver.

“No, that’s fuckin’ – that’s not it at _all_ , Chris,” Darren says firmly, ducking around into Chris’s field of vision. “It’s unexpected… like I said, but fuck, Chris – you’re my _soulmate_. That means something to me, yanno? I want to get to know you. I’ve wanted to meet my soulmate my whole _life¸_ I’m not going to let this… little detail get in the way of that.”

“It’s not a _little detail_!” Chris says, anger exploding out of him. “You’ve been waiting your whole life for _Christina_ and she doesn’t exist!” He chokes on a sob and turns away from Darren again. “This is why I never wanted to meet you,” he whispers, tears betraying him and sliding down his cheeks.

Darren makes a wounded noise before taking a small step closer to Chris. “Don’t say that,” he says quietly and clears his throat. “Just... can we take it one day at a time? There’s nothing that says that because we’ve finally found each other that we have to get married right away. I want to get to know _you_ , Chris.”

Chris’s shoulders slump, hearing the sincerity in Darren’s voice. Deep down, he knows Darren is telling the truth. But there’s always that nagging feeling that once it really sinks in – who Chris _really_ is – that Darren will decide to just walk away… and that will completely break Chris’s heart.

It’s Kevin’s voice in his head that prompts Chris to nod and whisper, “okay.” Darren _does_ deserve the chance to decide for himself, even if the end result might be Chris sobbing into his tub of Ben  & Jerry’s.

“Okay? Fuck, yeah… okay,” Darren says. “So? A date. Let’s go on one – soon, maybe? I’ll take you out to a nice dinner, somewhere we can talk?”

A _date_. Little does Darren know that Chris hasn’t ever been on a date – never even came close. Suddenly a whole different set of nerves creep up on Chris because… holy _shit_ , his soulmate wants to go out on a _date_. What if Darren has been on plenty of dates before? What if he’s had sex before? What is he going to expect out of Chris – probably something that Chris just can’t give?

When Chris realizes that Darren is standing there, waiting for an answer, Chris takes a deep breath and nods. “Yeah… yeah, we can do that.”

“Sweet,” Darren says, smiling and bouncing a little bit in place. “Is Friday night okay? I can pick you up about, hmm… seven?”

Another thing Darren doesn’t know about him, is that he’s almost always free on Friday nights – on any night, really. But as wary as Chris is about this whole thing, he’d rather keep the fact that he’s a complete loser all to himself. “Sure. That sounds good.”

Darren must be able to sense that Chris is ready to be alone when he claps his hands together and glances toward the door. “Great, awesome. So, I’m going to take off, but first… can I get your number?”

“Yeah that’s fine,” Chris says, rattling off his phone number after Darren opens his contacts app. His own phone buzzes in his pocket a second later.

Darren grins and waves his phone back and forth. “And now you have mine. I’ll see you Friday, then?”

“Friday,” Chris confirms, leading Darren toward the door.

There’s an awkward dance when Darren stands in the doorway, clearly trying to go in for a hug but immediately aborting when Chris stiffens up. “Okay,” Darren says, clearing his throat and giving Chris a bright smile. “Have a good night!”

As soon as Chris is able to shut his door, he leans against it, closes his eyes, and slides to the floor. _Fuck_. His heart still feels like it’s trying to beat out of his chest and every crook and cranny of his body is covered in nervous sweat.

Darren _knows_.  Darren knows and he didn’t immediately run away, screaming. There’s still a chance for that, because knowing is one thing, but _knowing_ – well, Chris is already steeling his heart for the inevitable.

There’s a long, hot shower in Chris’s near future but he can’t seem to move from his spot on the floor. He needs guidance – some reassurance that he’s doing the right thing. Moving across the country to escape might not be a feasible option, but if that’s what Chris has to do, he’ll figure it out somehow.

 **To Kevin:** I have a date on Friday night?

 **To Chris** : ??????????? With Darren???????????????????????

 **To Kevin** : Yes.

 **To Chris:**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck, yes! Congrats! So, you told him?

 **To Kevin:** Yes, I told him. And it went… okay.

 **To Chris:** Told u!!!!!!

*

Friday comes way too quickly. Usually Chris is counting down the hours, the minutes until the weekend, but before he knows it, it’s 6:45 on Friday night and he’s pacing back and forth in his apartment, dreading the moment Darren arrives.

He nearly jumps right out of his skin when there’s a knock on his door. He briefly contemplates acting like he’s not home, but then Kevin would probably kill him for being a coward. “Coming!” he calls out, doing a quick check that his hair hasn’t fallen out of place and his clothes are still wrinkle-free.

Darren’s holding a bouquet of roses when Chris opens the door. “Hey! These are for you,” he says, holding the flowers out. “Wow, you look… fantastic.”

Chris feels his cheeks flush with the compliment. He’s not wearing anything special – just a pair of dark wash jean (packer tucked inside his underwear) and a light blue button up. When he takes the roses from Darren, he takes a second to smell them before smiling at Darren. “Thank you. No one has ever bought me flowers before. Let me just… get these in some water.”

“No one?” Darren asks, following Chris into the apartment. “Well, then I’m fucking glad I’m the first one.”

Having never had flowers before, Chris doesn’t have a vase, so he just grabs a tall glass, fills it with water and vows to make sure he takes proper care of the stems when he gets home. He wants those roses to last as long as possible. “Darren,” he says, figuring he might as well get it out in the open. “Not only is that my first bouquet of roses, this will be… this is my first date.”

Darren’s eyes widen and he steps closer to Chris. “Wow, then I really can’t fuck up, now can I?”

Even though Chris knows most people don’t… save themselves for their soulmate, especially when it sometimes takes years for people to find each other, he’s kind of disappointed that Darren has obviously dated before. Before that disappointment can linger, he scolds himself because he spent most of his life _not_ wanting to meet Darren and completely ignoring anything that had to do with soulmates. “So, where are we eating?” he asks, breaking that train of thought.

“That, my good sir, is a surprise,” Darren says, jingling his keys in his hand. “Our reservations are at 7:30, and with traffic how it is, it’ll probably take us that long to get there.”

Flowers and a dinner reservation… Chris doesn’t know what to think. He’s never been one for cheesy, romantic things, but apparently with Darren, he’s swooning over it all. “L.A. traffic is a bitch,” Chris agrees, making sure he has his wallet and keys before he leads Darren to the door.

*

At first, dinner is awkward. They’re seated fairly quickly and Chris immediately pulls open the menu, trying to buy some time before he actually has to initiate any sort of conversation. It’s a restaurant he’s never been to before, so he goes over each option, debating.

“I think,” Darren says, setting his menu down on the table, “that we need an icebreaker, yeah? Should we play twenty questions?”

Chris closes his menu, even though he’s not completely sure what he wants to order. He’s glad that Darren said something, because if it had been up to Chris, they would’ve ended up spending the whole date in more uncomfortable silence. “Sure, um… as long as I can veto anything I don’t want to answer.”

“Totally fair,” Darren says, nodding. “I’ll start easy. Favorite color?”

“Blue,” Chris says easily, and then they’re interrupted by their server who comes to take their orders. Chris panics slightly because he still hasn’t decided, and only has a second to choose while Darren rattles off what he wants. When the waitress turns to him, Chris just blanks and asks for grilled chicken with a baked potato. His usual go-to when he can’t make up his mind.

“The chicken is fucking _awesome_ , man, good choice,” Darren says. “Your turn.”

As they continue to go back and forth, asking each other quick, non-invasive questions, Chris can feel the dread building – like maybe Darren is just being nice before he asks what he _really_ wants to know. Chris gets a few moments reprieve when their food is delivered, but after a few bites and a few mentions of how good everything tastes, he can’t handle the anticipation any longer. “Just ask what you want to ask,” he says, purposely looking down at his food instead of at Darren.

“Okay,” Darren says, and Chris’s stomach clenches uncomfortably. “I know you don’t _really_ want to work at an insurance agency, so what do you actually want to do with your life?”

That is… not the question Chris was expecting, at all, and it throws him for a loop. “A writer,” he says, shaking his head to clear the sudden confusion. “But that’s not what…” he trails off, and dares a glance up at Darren. “You don’t want to ask… yanno, about me?” he asks, gesturing at his own body.

“Chris,” Darren says quietly, setting his fork down. “I wasn’t going to ask anything about that – not only would I just come off as an asshat, asking you something like that on the first date, but after the other night… I sorta went home and did some research. So I’m better informed.”

“Oh,” Chris says, shoulders relaxing. He’s touched and surprised, that Darren would do that. “Thank you,” he says, giving Darren a small smile. “I mean, I’m slowly becoming more comfortable with who I am, but there are some things I just… don’t really talk about, especially with someone I barely know.”

Darren nods, breaking off a piece of his dinner roll and popping it in his mouth. “Totally understandable,” he says after he finishes chewing. He reaches out and brushes his fingertips against the back of Chris’s hand. “You’re not going to scare me away, okay? I think you’re fucking gorgeous just the way you are, _and_ you’re my soulmate. Tough luck for you, because you’re stuck with _me_.”

Chris can’t help but snort out a laugh and he rolls his eyes, ignoring the way his cheeks flushed when Darren said he was gorgeous. “I don’t think we need to make any declarations like that on a first date, Darren.”

Darren’s face falls for a brief moment before he recovers and takes a sip of his water. “Maybe not, but… you can feel it, can’t you? This… connection between us? Everyone always talks about it, but actually feeling it? Shit, Chris… I don’t care what name is on my collar bone; _you’re_ my soulmate, no doubt. I can tell.”

“I feel it, too,” Chris says as the tightness in his chest unlocks. He’s been worried that he’d be the only one that could sense their bond, but knowing that Darren feels it too is such a relief. Maybe there _is_ something to this whole soulmate thing after all. “I’ve felt it since that first night, at that bar when you were playing guitar for your friend, Theo.”

Darren starts to cough and choke, looking at Chris with wide eyes. “Fuck, really? That was… weeks ago! Son of a bitch, I _swear_ I could like…sense you or some shit that night, but the guys told me I was crazy.” He shakes his head and sips his water again before clearing his throat. “But you were there, wow.”

“Yeah, I um,” Chris says, realizing he’s completely abandoned his food when their waitress stops by to see if they’re ready for the check. Chris tries to protest when Darren grabs for it, but secretly he was hoping for it because he’s a little tight on cash this month.

“I ask, I pay,” Darren says with a smile after the waitress walks away. “We can get a to-go box, if you want,” he says, nodding toward Chris’s plate.

“Sure, I uh… I got distracted, I guess,” Chris says. “I went years never wanting to meet you, never wanting to have to go through the pain of realizing you _didn’t_ feel anything, but knowing that you do is – well, it’s a huge relief.”

“Of course I do,” Darren says sincerely. “Chris, I need you to know, I’ve never just been attracted to women. It’s kinda hard to explain,” he says, shrugging his shoulders. “But it’s the _person_ that I’m attracted to, not their gender, okay? And I’m definitely attracted to _you_.”

Chris feels the heat rise in his cheeks, and he just smiles down at the table. “Oh,” he says, at a rare loss for words. He’s flattered, but his heart is racing and his palms are sweating with anxiety of what that _means_.  He’s enjoying his first date with his soulmate, but he can’t help but continue to think that Darren is just going to hightail it the other way when all Chris can give are dinner dates and maybe a few kisses.

Chris’s food gets boxed up and they head back out to Darren’s car. The drive back to Chris’s apartment isn’t nearly as awkward as the drive to the restaurant was. This time, Darren keeps the music low and keeps glancing Chris’s way with a smile on his face.

“What – do I have something?” Chris asks, pulling the sun visor down to check his face in the mirror for any stray ketchup stains.

“No,” Darren says with a chuckle and looks over at Chris when he eases to a stop at a red light. “I just… I can’t believe this is fucking happening, you know? You’re _here_ , in my car. And we just finished a fantastic date. I feel like I need to pinch myself or some shit to wake myself up from this dream.”

“Pretty sure this isn’t a dream,” Chris says, distracting himself by fiddling with the seam of his jeans.

As Darren pulls up in front of Chris’s building, Chris feels a slight pang in his chest. He isn’t quite ready for the night to end, but inviting Darren up seems too nerve-wracking and he’s not ready for any of that sort of thing yet. Maybe not ever. Another thing he’s going to have to discuss with Darren at some point.

“I had a really great time tonight, Chris,” Darren says, turning off the ignition. He glances outside and then back at Chris. “Can I at least walk you to the door?”

Chris nods and lets himself out of the car. He grins when he sees Darren subtly checking his hair in the rearview mirror before he steps out onto the sidewalk. “I had a good time tonight, too. Thank you.”

“Okay,” Darren says, squaring his shoulders when they stop at the door. “This is the part where I tell you I _really_ want to kiss you – and you can totally say no! I get it. I just… I’ve been thinking about kissing you since I picked you up tonight.”

Chris lets out a quiet _oh_ and is suddenly unable to look anywhere but Darren’s mouth. He’s never really put much thought into kissing – mostly due to his complete lack of interest in dating anyone. But now that Darren has put the idea in his head, Chris is fixated. He realizes he hasn’t said anything and has just been staring at Darren’s lips when Darren takes a small hesitant step forward. “Yes, okay,” Chris says quietly.

Darren closes the gap and presses his mouth to Chris’s in a slow, sweet kiss that sends shivers down Chris’s spine. When Darren pulls back, he does it slowly and Chris can just feel the blissful smile on his own face before they both open their eyes.

“Fuck, okay,” Darren says, beaming as he bounces up on his toes. “I need to see you again, like… soon. Does Monday work for you? I’m playing a gig and I’d really like for you to be there.”

Chris pretends to think about it for a second before giving in. “I’d love to be there, just text me the address?”

They’re interrupted when one of Chris’s downstairs neighbors tries to scoot by them and enter the building. Chris automatically steps out of the way, which puts him almost pressing against Darren.

“Oh, sorry,” Chris says, immediately trying to retreat but Darren grabs his arm.

“Wait,” Darren says before giving Chris a quick kiss. “Just needed one more for the road,” he says, big smile on his face. “So, see you Monday?”

“Monday,” Chris agrees, and then takes a step toward the door. “Have a good night.”

“You too,” Darren says with a quick toss of his keys into the air.

A (very) small part of Chris wants to stand there until Darren’s car is out of sight, but before he can even give it a second thought, he rolls his eyes at himself and heads inside. He’s surprised the night went so well. Kevin was right – Darren is a _really_ nice guy, and someone Chris can see himself falling for… maybe. If he lets himself.

There’s always the chance that right now, Darren is caught up in in the bliss of finding his soulmate, and it’ll all come crashing down when reality sinks in.

Instead of thinking about that (or any of the other worst case scenarios his mind manages to come up with), Chris heads right for the bathroom and takes a long, hot shower before he heads to bed with his laptop.

*

In the morning, Chris ignores the barrage of texts Kevin had sent him overnight – all ranging from completely tame like _how did it go??_ to completely invasive and unnecessary like asking how the sex was.

After yet another text – this one making sure Chris survived the night, Chris finally responds.

 **From Chris:** We had a good night, and now I’m going to write all weekend. I’m seeing him again Monday at his gig.

When his phone beeps with Kevin’s response, Chris doesn’t even bother looking at it. He’s knee-deep in an intense scene and he doesn’t need anything else breaking his concentration. He’s at the point where he can actually see the end of the tunnel – a point where he can maybe talk someone into editing it into something worthy enough to send out to publishers. This is the first time, in all his years of writing, that he’s actually close to finishing a manuscript.

It’s not until he reaches a natural break (mostly because his bladder is protesting) that he check his phone again after he uses the restroom. There are a couple more texts from Kevin that he rolls his eyes at and deletes, but then there’s also a message from Darren, sent only twenty minutes ago.

 **From Darren:** Just wanted to let you know again how amazing last night was. Monday night feels so far away.

 _That_ manages to hold Chris’s attention and he just stares at his phone, like somehow looking away will make the message disappear. His heart is doing a weird fluttery dance in his chest and he’s definitely not used to that sort of feeling. He really enjoyed Darren’s company and the kiss... well, Chris doesn’t have anything to compare it to, but it was pretty damn amazing.

As much as he loathes admitting it, but maybe everyone is right… maybe there _is_ something to this whole soulmate thing. He’s still waiting for the other shoe to drop, but the fact that Darren can look past who Chris isn’t (and see who he _is_ ), then maybe they _are_ meant for each other.

 **To Darren:**  I had a good time, too.

 **From Darren:** Any chance you love bagels? I’m craving bagels. If I go to the bakery tomorrow morning, I’ll probably pick up too many for just myself, what if I stop by and we can share them?

Chris snorts and shakes his head. He was perfectly okay with waiting till Monday for their second date, but if Darren is offering to bring breakfast over in the morning, then Chris isn’t going to complain.

 **To Darren:** As long as you bring some strawberry cream cheese.

 **From Darren:** Fuck yes! See you in the morning!

*

Turns out, Darren thinks two dozen bagels are acceptable for a breakfast for two. “I didn’t know what kind you liked, so I got two of each!” he exclaims when Chris gasps at the two huge bags Darren has in his hands.

“If there’s an everything bagel in there, I’ll take that,” Chris says, grabbing a couple of knives from the kitchen for the cream cheese. “Darren, we can’t possibly eat all of these.”

“Well, then,” Darren says, a sweet smile on his face as he sits on the couch and digs through one of the bags. He pulls an everything bagel with a _ta-dah_. “I guess I’ll just have to come over for breakfast tomorrow, too.”

Chris feels the color drain from his cheeks. Suddenly it feels like too much, too fast. “Darren, I – “

Darren holds his hands up in surrender. “No – it’s okay, I was just… being silly. I’ve been told I’m a little over ambitious. It’s something I need to work on.” He turns away from Chris, focusing on picking a bagel for himself out of the bag, the apples of his cheeks slightly pink.

Now Chris feels bad. It’s not that he doesn’t want to spend time with Darren – he _does_ (obviously, since they’re currently eating breakfast together) – but Chris also likes his space, and they _just_ met. “It’s just… I have to work in the morning, and to be honest, I’d like to take things... slow.”

Darren nods and swallows the bite he had in his mouth. “Of course,” he says, placing his hand on Chris’s knee. “I wasn’t trying to rush, or anything – I just… it feels fucking awesome, being around you. I kinda want to see you all the time.”

Now it’s Chris’s turn to blush, and he distracts himself by applying more cream cheese to his bagel. “I am sort of irresistible,” he says blithely, smiling when Darren rubs his thumb along the side of Chris’s knee. Usually Chris steers away from physical contact with just about anyone, but with Darren it doesn’t give him the usual anxiety. Darren’s touch is soothing and nice through the fabric of his jeans.

“Well, I’m certainly not going to argue with that, Chris Colfer,” Darren says as he slides a little closer to Chris on the couch before leaning in. “It’s been way too long since I’ve kissed you.”

“Wasn’t even two days ago,” Chris says quietly, eyes darting down to Darren’s mouth. He won’t admit it to anyone (especially himself) but he’s wanted another kiss since Darren drove away Friday night.

Darren leans in closer, lips just barely grazing Chris’s. “Exactly. Way too long,” he whispers before closing the distance and cupping the back of Chris’s neck with his hand.

Chris just goes with his instincts, since this is only his second (third, technically) kiss. He lets his mouth open slightly when Darren presses in harder, a moan getting trapped in the back of his throat when he can feel Darren’s tongue just barely brush his bottom lip.

Suddenly Chris’s imagination starts to run wild – he pictures Darren pressing him back against the couch, hands roaming, and it’s not long before he’s gasping and pulling back, away from Darren. “I – I’m not ready for sex,” he blurts out. His cheeks feel like they’re on fire and he just stares at Darren’s knees, unable to look into his eyes. “I don’t… I may not ever be ready.”

“Hey,” Darren says quietly, ducking his head down so he’s in Chris’s field of vision. “Hey – no, I wasn’t… that’s perfectly okay, Chris. Just… not ever? I mean, shit – we don’t ever have to have sex if you don’t want to. Here, feel,” he says, grabbing Chris’s wrist and pressing his hand against his chest, his heartbeat racing against Chris’s palm. “Feel that? That’s what you do to me by just _kissing_ me.”

Chris’s cheeks still burn with embarrassment, but he needs to say this – get it out in the open now, so if Darren decides to run, then it’ll be before Chris is in too deep. “You have to know, I’m not… I don’t have what a cis male has, Darren. I don’t look like a guy _or_ a girl down there, okay? I might not ever be comfortable with you seeing it, let alone having sex.”

“We can figure that out as we go along,” Darren says after a beat, adjusting so he can run his hand down Chris’s back. “We’ll go at your pace, okay? I know some people get married the day they meet each other but I just want _you_ to be happy – and if taking it slow makes you happy, then I’m all for it.”

They’ve only _known_ each other for a few days, and Chris swore to himself he wouldn’t fall too hard, too fast, but Darren is so sweet and basically everything Chris ever wanted in a partner. “Okay,” he breathes out with a nod, because now it feels like he’s dreaming and Darren’s going to be gone the moment he wakes up.

“See? Soulmates,” Darren says with a grin as he knocks his shoulder against Chris’s. “Now we’re going to finish this delicious feast I have laid out for us, and then you’re going to keep the leftovers because I’m awesome like that.”

Chris can’t help the smile that crosses his face, because he legitimately feels _happy_. He hates to kick Darren out after they finish eating, but now that he actually feels like he could finish his book, he wants to get back to his laptop.

Darren doesn’t leave without a few goodbye kisses, but after jotting down the address for his gig and a few _more_ kisses, he’s out the door and Chris is back to his laptop.

When Hannah calls later in the afternoon, she’s immediately suspicious and starts in on Chris. _Chrissy, why do you sound so smiley? You’re never smiley. You’re always a grumpy gus_.

It’s not like Chris can tell her – he and Darren haven’t discussed telling their families yet. Chris doesn’t even know if they’re boyfriends, really. So he just tells Hannah that he’s finally making progress on his book and she’s more than happy to listen to him talk about what characters he’s written about recently.

*

Chris drives himself to Darren’s gig the next night. Darren had offered to pick him up, but Chris doesn’t really feel comfortable hanging around the bar for two hours while Darren’s band sets up and goes through rehearsal. He’s glad for the extra time to himself – even though he’s excited to see Darren play, he’s nervous about being alone in the crowd, and possibly having to meet Darren’s friends.

He gets there a little early and the bar is just starting to fill up with patrons. As soon as Darren spots him, he bounds off the stage and over to Chris.

“You made it!” Darren says, pulling Chris into a tight hug and planting a kiss on Chris’s cheek. “Awesome. I saved you a spot right up front, is that okay?”

Chris glances toward the stage, and sees an empty table just off to the side, away from the speakers. He’s touched Darren thought that far ahead for him. “Of course I made it, and thank you. Now, how many obsessed fangirls am I going to have to push my way through to see you after?”

“If there was a line, you’d get first spot automatically,” Darren says, resting his hand on the small of Chris’s back and leading him toward the table. “But aside from a few regulars, I can’t say that I have any _fangirls_.”

Chris isn’t so sure of that, because he can already see a group of women hanging out by the other end of the stage, staring at him curiously. He ignores them, and notices a couple of guys on the stage, quietly tuning their guitars as he sits down. “Shouldn’t you be up there with them, getting ready?”

Darren shrugs and sits down across from Chris. “We’re ready, they’re just double checking. Besides, what kind of boyfriend would I be if I just left you here all by your lonesome if I didn’t have to?”

“Boyfriend?” Chris chokes out, looking over at Darren with wide eyes.

“Well, yeah,” Darren says, reaching across the table for Chris’s hand. “Isn’t that where this is going? I mean, fuck – I suck,” he says, head falling forward, his curls swaying back and forth as he shakes his head. “I just assumed, which makes me an _ass_ , but that’s okay, right? That I called you my boyfriend?”

Chris smiles and squeezes Darren’s hand. “Yes, that’s fine with me.” He laughs when Darren lets out a _whoop!_ and notices that someone from Darren’s band is looking over at their table expectantly. “I think you’re being summoned.”

Darren cranes his head around and there’s a few seconds of hand movements between Darren and one of his guitarists before Darren turns back to Chris with a sigh. “Time to go put on a show,” he says, standing up out of his chair. “Kiss for good luck?”

The bar has started to fill up and when Chris quickly looks around, it doesn’t seem like anyone is looking their way, so he tilts his head up slightly and accepts Darren’s quick kiss. “Break a leg.”

As soon as Darren steps up on stage, half of the bar patrons notice and clap enthusiastically. Chris joins them, and smiles to himself as he watches Darren take a swig of water before grabbing his guitar and pulling the strap over his head.

When Darren starts to play, Chris is immediately impressed. He didn’t realize Darren had such an amazing voice, and though Darren has no problem charming his audience, he spends a good portion of the show obviously looking at Chris and singing to him.

Chris hasn’t ever been serenaded, but about halfway through Darren’s set, when Darren’s band leaves the stage and Darren winks at Chris before switching over to his acoustic guitar, Chris gets butterflies in his stomach.

“So there’s someone special here tonight,” Darren says into the mic as he sits down on a stool. “And unless he managed to find a few old YouTube videos, this is the first time he’s hearing me sing, so I’d like to sing this for him.”

Chris is immediately transfixed when Darren plucks a few strings before starting the song. It’s not a song Chris recognizes, but that’s perfectly fine with him because he thought he’d never get to experience a romantic gesture like this and here he is, eyes locked with his boyfriend – his _soulmate_ – while he’s being serenaded with a love song – _I don’t care about what the rest of the world thinks, I just care about you and me_.

The show ends far too quickly for Chris’s liking. He could’ve easily sat there all night, listening to Darren sing, despite the fact that he has to work in the morning. He watches Darren wipe the sweat off his face before he thanks the small crowd again and jumps off the stage toward Chris.

Before Darren can make it to Chris’s table, he’s intercepted by the same group of girls that were staring at them before the show. He sends Chris an apologetic look over one of the girl’s shoulders before turning his attention to them, signing the items they’re holding out for him.

It’s not exactly a legion of fangirls – just a handful, vying for Darren’s attention – but it still makes Chris slightly uncomfortable, watching them go in for hugs as their friends take pictures, each of them making sure they get their moment with him.

“Hey, he’ll probably be out here for a little bit, why don’t you come back with us and wait?”

Chris looks up and sees the guy who was playing the drums for Darren’s set. “Excuse me?”

“I’m Jack,” the guy says, holding out his hand for Chris to shake. He tilts his head in Darren’s direction. “He likes to try to interact with his fans as much as he can, helps keep him in gigs, so he won’t be done for at least fifteen minutes. He asked us to invite you backstage while we wait for him.”

“Oh,” Chris says, pushing himself up out of his chair. “Okay.” He looks over at Darren, but Darren now has his back to Chris, posing for a picture, so Chris just follows Jack behind the stage and through a swinging door.

“You can just relax here,” Jack says, pointing at a ratty couch in one of the backstage rooms. “We have to finish cleaning up our shit. Darren should be back soon.”

Chris just nods and gingerly sits down at one end of the couch. He’s anxious to see Darren, but he’s glad to be away from the crowd and the noise of the bar. He passes the time by checking his phone – he has no messages, not that he expected any.

“Hey, so sorry about that,” Darren says as he jogs into the room, sitting down right next to Chris. He immediately leans in and kisses Chris’s cheek. “What did you think of the show?” he asks, grabbing Chris’s hand and intertwining their fingers.

Looking down at their hands, Chris can’t help but notice how perfectly they fit together. “Oh, it was okay,” he says, giving Darren a teasing smile when Darren’s face falls slightly. “I’m kidding – it was amazing, Darren. _You’re_ amazing. And that song… I loved it. Who wrote it?”

“I did,” Darren says, giving Chris’s hand a squeeze. “I just wrote it, in fact. Kinda needed a way to express how I’m feeling with this whole I-met-my-soulmate… thing.”

There’s those damn butterflies in his stomach again, and Chris can’t help but close the distance and give Darren a long, soft kiss. “Thank you,” he says quietly after he pulls back. “That… that was really sweet of you.”

Darren chuckles and lifts their hands to kiss the back of Chris’s. “So now that I have you buttered up, is this a good time to mention how I spilled the beans to my mom about you this morning?”

The color suddenly drains from Chris’s face. “You – what?”

“Chris,” Darren says gently. “It just… it came out, because I’m so fucking happy about this. She was _ecstatic_ that I met you and, well… she wants to meet you. Soon.”

Chris swallows hard and he stares at his knees. “Did you tell her I’m a guy?” His heart is beating erratically – he hadn’t even thought about meeting the parents yet. He’s just getting used to actually _having_ Darren; he figured he’d have plenty of time before they had to take _that_ step.

“One of the things you have to know about my mom is that she’s _awesome,_ so don’t be mad, but yes, I told her,” Darren says, untangling their hands and wrapping his arm around Chris’s shoulders. “She didn’t even flinch, Chris – she immediately asked me when we’re free to drive up and have dinner with them.”

Chris takes a deep breath, to try and calm the panic. “I’m not mad, I just… I don’t think I’m ready for that yet. Maybe soon, when we’ve been together longer than a weekend.”

Darren tucks in close and presses his lips against the corner of Chris’s mouth. “Totally understand, but my mom is a feisty little woman, she’s going to be bugging me about dinner until we agree.”

Chris is fairly sure that if he tells his parents about Darren, his mom at least will be happy for him, but his dad will probably grunt and not care at all. Hannah will probably tease him mercilessly. He’s not ready to deal with any of that yet.

“Car’s loaded!” someone calls down the hallway, startling them both.

“Y-you should probably go,” Chris says, making an attempt to disentangle himself from Darren, but Darren just tugs him closer.

“This would normally be the part where I try to invite myself over to your place, but I know it’s fucking late and you have to work in the morning. So, I’m going to be a gentleman and let you head home after I get my goodnight kiss,” Darren says with a smile, leaning in close.

With an eye roll, Chris indulges Darren and kisses him, pulling back before it gets out of hand – he’s all too aware of the bar employees and Darren’s band members milling about. “Are you free at all this week? I could… make us dinner, or something.”

“I think I can pencil you in,” Darren says with a wink.

Chris leaves after a couple more kisses, and barely manages to remove his clothes before he falls into bed. Work is going to _suck_ in the morning, but he’s not going to complain because he had a fantastic night.

*

Darren’s mom really _is_ awesome, because she decides that Thanksgiving would be a wonderful time for Darren and Chris to come up and visit, which gives Chris about a month to adapt to the idea. And… to tell his parents he won’t be home for Thanksgiving dinner for the first time in… well, his entire life.

He tries, he really does try to tell them, but he can never manage to bring it up during his weekly phone call with his mother (which is mostly just an excuse to talk to Hannah). He can’t tell his mom that he has actually found his soulmate and that Darren is so wonderful and understanding that Chris is fairly sure he’s going to fall in love with him someday.

Things with Darren are _really_ good, much to Chris’s surprise. It’s been a few weeks since Darren’s gig and they see each other at least twice a week – more, if Darren has his way. Mostly for dinner or a movie over at Chris’s apartment, since neither of them really have money to blow on restaurant dates all the time.

Chris continues waiting for the other shoe to drop, but he’s not sure it’ll ever happen now. For once, maybe he actually has something good and real in his life.

Darren keeps his promise, and they never go further than some heavy making out before Darren heads home for the night. Part of Chris wants at least a _little_ more – kissing tends to make them _both_ hot and bothered – but he’s still pretty terrified at the idea of taking his pants off around Darren.

But, he’s not afraid of taking off _Darren’s_ pants, and maybe attempting his first blowjob. He’s thought about it – Darren’s cock in his mouth – the last couple of times after Darren has left, lying down in bed, trying to ignore his own arousal. He’s never been comfortable with masturbating, and the few times he’s tried in the past had left him completely unsatisfied. He _wants_ to go down on Darren, but he has no idea how to go about asking for it or implying that he wants to do it.

“You seem distracted,” Darren says, one night after a five star meal of Chinese takeout on Chris’s living room floor. Darren’s belched and claimed that he’s full, but he’s still poking through his container of noodles.

“Wha –? No, I’m fine, “ Chris says after he’s shaken the cobwebs out of his head. There’s one more eggroll that he’s been eying, but his stomach will seriously hate him if he tries to stuff it with any more food. “Just… long day at work.”

Darren pouts and sets his food carton down and carefully shoves the coffee table forward, so as to not knock their drinks over. “C’mere,” he says, patting the space between his legs.

Chris raises his eyebrow in question, but crawls over and settles himself between Darren’s knees, far enough away that his ass isn’t going to bump up against Darren’s crotch. “Here?”

“Yep,” Darren says, placing his hands on Chris’s shoulders. “Let me try to relax you, I’ve been told I’m pretty good at this,” he says, gently starting to knead the tense muscles in Chris’s neck.

“Ohh,” Chris groans, head falling forward. He would question just who else Darren’s done this to, but that hardly matters when Darren’s hands are doing magical things to Chris’s body. “Wow, yeah… you _are_ good at this.”

“Thank you,” Darren says, placing a quick kiss on the back of Chris’s neck. “You know I’m always here if you need to talk, or whatever.”

A soft smile crosses Chris’s face, followed closely by another long groan as Darren starts to work on a particularly sore spot. “I know,” he says, and he _does_ know. Darren might seem like he has a short attention span sometimes – always bouncing from one spot to another, or one thought to another – but when it comes to Chris, he’s always wonderfully present and attentive. “It’s not that… I just,” he says, taking a deep breath to calm the nervous feeling in his stomach. “I… have a question… to ask.”

“Shoot,” Darren says as he runs his thumbs down the sensitive muscles on either side of Chris’s spine. “Unless you’re going to ask me like… a quantum physics question, because I was a theater major – I’m dumb as fuck when it comes to most of that super science-y shit.”

Chris barks out a laugh and shakes his head. “No, um. Definitely not quantum physics related.” He’s glad he’s facing away from Darren, because his cheeks feel like they’re on fire and he’s not quite sure he could get through this if he were looking into Darren’s eyes. “I’d like to give you a blowjob,” he blurts out.

“Um,” Darren says, hands stilling on Chris’s back. “Uh. That’s totally not a question.” He clears his throat. “Not that I’m going to turn down fellatio, but I thought we were taking things slow? That’s, uh… the opposite from slow.” His hands drop to Chris’s waist, just barely touching Chris through his shirt.

“Well,” Chris says, eyes focused on the floor. “I’m still not ready for my pants to come off, or for you to see or touch me, but… “ he trails off and takes a deep breath. “But I’d like to do that to you. Blow you, that is.”

Darren clears his throat again. “So, like… now?” he asks, voice pitched slightly higher than normal. “Because, fuck… I won’t lie, that sounds pretty goddamn amazing right about now.”

Carefully turning around in between Darren’s legs, Chris leans in and gives Darren a kiss, pressing in a little harder than he usually does, and when Darren moans it makes Chris’s toes curl in his socks. He can smell Darren’s cologne, a sweet, delicious scent that fills his nostrils as he threads his fingers through the hair on the back of Darren’s head and starts kissing down past Darren’s jaw to his neck.

“Oh fuck,” Darren groans, head falling back against the seat of the couch.

Part of Chris is _really_ tempted to be bold and start unbuttoning Darren’s shirt, revealing more skin to kiss, but Chris doesn’t think he’s quite ready to see Darren’s soulmate tattoo. It would probably completely ruin the mood right now. So he kisses back up to Darren’s mouth, teasing his tongue against Darren’s bottom lip, and lets out a moan when Darren brushes his tongue against Chris’s.

Making out was never something Chris fantasized about. For most of his life, the idea of being intimate with someone scared the shit out of him – and since he never considered dating and wasn’t at all concerned with finding his soulmate, he never put much thought into any of it. Especially what he _honestly_ would be comfortable with – he’s (mostly) come to terms that he’ll never have a cock and balls like a cis man does, but he’s unsure whether his vagina is completely off limits and anal is all he’ll ever want to do. Or, because he trusts and feels safe with Darren, that he’ll let things play out by ear and figure out what he’s truly comfortable with that way.

He doesn’t realize he’s breathing heavily with his face pressed against Darren’s neck until Darren startles him with running a soothing hand down his back.

“Chris, hey,” Darren says quietly, holding Chris close. “It’s okay, we don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for.”

Chris shakes his head and pulls back; eyes focus on a hint of stubble on Darren’s chin. “It’s not that… my brain just decided to start running at a million miles an hour.”

Darren manages to stand without knocking Chris over, and holds out his hand to help Chris up before he plops down on the couch. “How about this,” he says, patting the space right next to him. “We take a raincheck on that blowjob, and just catch up on some of your DVR?”

Chris’s shoulders slump in disappointment. He _really_ wanted to do this – to know what it feels like to hold a cock in his hand, to feel the weight of Darren’s cock against his tongue, to make Darren come. But, a raincheck is good. He can work with that – it’ll give him a little more time to think other things through.

Plus, he’s been dying to watch the premiere of a new reality show and he swore he’d wait till he could watch it with Darren. “Okay,” he says, curling up next to Darren on the couch. “Maybe I can convince you to make some popcorn later.”

*

A week before Thanksgiving, Chris can no longer put it off. He’s already nervous enough about meeting Darren’s family; he doesn’t need the extra stress of listening to his mother making plans for his arrival.

“Mom,” Chris says, interrupting her rant about which brand of stuffing she should use this year. He pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs. “Mom, I’m… I won’t be there for Thanksgiving.”

Her silence lasts so long that Chris has to check his phone to make sure the call is still connected. “Mom?”

“I’m here,” she says and Chris can’t tell just how upset she is yet. “Care to share why? Your sister was looking forward to see you.”

Chris fights the urge to roll his eyes. Of course she tries to play the Hannah card. “I’m going to, um… I’m going to be having Thanksgiving dinner with Darren’s family.” He lets out a breath of air and slumps against the back of his chair. There, it’s out in the open.

“Darren?” she asks, her voice thin and strange. “You… you’ve met him? Your soulmate?”

Chris’s parents are soulmates but it seems like they just tolerate each other – there isn’t a big romantic story there. That alone is part of the reason Chris spent so long not caring about ever meeting his. He’s fairly sure both of his parents never expected him to find his, let alone start a relationship with him – to have a big romantic story of his own. “Yes, mom. I met Darren a few months ago,” he says, and feels bad that he’s telling her this way, but he’s glad to have finally said it.

“Oh, well. I’ll have to let your father know why you’re not coming. He’s not going to be happy, Christopher,” she says, and Chris can tell she’s mad but he’s not going to let her guilt trip him into bailing on Darren and his family.

“I’ll still be there for Christmas, and Darren mentioned coming with. I think you’ll really like him – “

“Of course,” she says, interrupting him. “Hannah would throw a fit if she couldn’t give you her present in person.”

Chris sighs and resists the urge to walk over to the nearest wall and bang his head against it. “I’ll make sure to buy her something nice to make up for not being there for Thanksgiving.”

Over the line, Chris’s mom clears her throat and Chris can hear the clattering of pans which means she’s getting ready to make lunch. “I assume Darren knows, then? About you? I just didn’t think that a boy with a girl’s name would want – “

“Mom stop,” Chris says firmly, anger starting to burn in his gut. “Yes, Darren knows. I told him right away. I have to get back to writing so I’ll talk to you next week.” He expects comments like that from his father, but his mother usually refrains. He must’ve really pissed her off.

“Fine, yes. Goodbye.”

After tossing his phone to the side, Chris closes his eyes and sighs. He knows he should’ve told her sooner – but now he’s glad he has another month before he has to see his family. He’s pretty sure both he and his mother are going to need the time to cool down.

*

Chris takes a vacation day so they can leave for Darren’s parent’s house on Tuesday instead of Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Darren insists he has a weekend full of touristy things for them to do that won’t involve dealing with mobs of holiday shoppers before they leave on Sunday.

The drive takes most of the day, thanks to traffic. Chris spends a majority of the time staring out the window, a ball of dread heavy in his stomach, while Darren sings along to every song that comes up on shuffle.

Even though Darren has said (repeatedly) that his parents and brother are wonderfully accepting and excited to meet Chris, Chris can’t help but think that in the back of their minds, they’d prefer Darren with a woman. That Chris just won’t be good enough for them.

He must’ve fallen asleep, because the next thing he knows, Darren is gently shaking him awake to see the _Welcome to San Francisco!_ signs.

“Figured you might want to perk up a bit before we pull into my parent’s driveway. We’re almost there,” Darren says. He’s taken his sunglasses off – the sun is already setting – and his curls are blowing gently in the breeze from the open window. He looks like a _dream_.

Chris’s heart clenches in his chest as he blinks and rubs his eyes, trying to clear his sleep-blurry vision. There’s no turning back now, he’s just going to have to power through these next few days and hope for the best. “Thanks,” he says, straightening up in his seat and pulling the sun visor down to check for drool stains and to make sure his hair still looks decent. “Sorry I fell asleep on you.”

“You looked cute as fuck so I wasn’t going to wake you up until I absolutely had to,” Darren says, shooting Chris a grin as he pulls into a neighborhood. “Ready for this? I could always turn around.”

“No,” Chris says immediately, reaching across to set his hand on Darren’s thigh. “I’m ready. I want to do this. I’m just… nervous.”

Darren takes one hand off the wheel to squeeze Chris’s hand before he pulls into a driveway. “Home sweet home… no matter how long I haven’t lived here.”

The house is beautiful. It’s bigger than the house Chris grew up in, and when the porch lights flick on, Chris freezes in the process of unbuckling his seatbelt. “Oh god,” he mutters.

“Hey,” Darren says quietly, leaning over as far as he can toward Chris. “Just let me know if you need time to regroup, or whatever. My parents will understand. But just to give you a heads up, my mother is probably waiting on the other side of that door, ready to smother the both of us with hugs and kisses.”

Chris laughs and ducks his head, finally freeing himself from the seatbelt. He can’t imagine his own mother hugging him for longer than necessary, let alone smothering him. As much as he shies away from physical affection, part of him is looking forward to being wrapped up in a motherly hug. “Let’s do this,” he says, taking a deep breath and opening the car door.

Darren grabs their luggage from the trunk, Chris following behind as Darren bounds up the front steps, obviously eager to see his parents. “Mom!” he exclaims, setting their bags down on the porch when Cerina opens the door, holding her arms out for a hug.

Even with a slight pang of jealousy, it warms Chris’s heart to see such love between Darren and his mom. He meets her gaze over Darren’s shoulder, her smile widening as he gives a tiny wave.

“And you must be Christopher!” She pulls away from Darren and gives Chris a quick, tight hug before holding him out at arm’s length. “My, you are so handsome!”

“Thank you,” Chris says, feeling his cheeks heat up. “Thank you for inviting me.”

She squeezes Chris’s biceps before reaching up to ruffle Darren’s hair. “You’re my son’s soulmate! Of _course_ you’re invited!”

Darren gives Chris a fond smile before picking up their bags and ushering everyone inside. “I’m sure Dad is hiding out somewhere, waiting his turn.”

“I made him wait so I could have my moment with my boys,” Cerina says, throwing a wink back at Chris. “He should be in the kitchen.”

Chris meets Darren’s dad, Bill, in much of the same fashion. He gives Chris a hearty hug and all but welcomes him to the family. It’s the exact opposite of how it’ll be when Darren meets Chris’s parents.

“Why don’t you two bring your bags upstairs? I’m sure you’d like to freshen up a bit after such a long drive,” Cerina says. “Meanwhile, I’ll put on some tea, and oh! I put fresh sheets on the bed for you.”  

It doesn’t dawn on Chris that Darren’s mom assumes that he and Darren will be sharing a room until they reach the top of the stairs, Darren already swinging open a bedroom door. “Um,” Chris says dumbly, slowly following Darren through the doorway.

Darren seems to have come to the same realization as he sets their bags down and turns toward Chris. “Shit, I didn’t even think about this, she didn’t even ask. I can check to see if the guest room is ready? Or you can sleep in here, and I can bunk in Chuck’s room until he kicks me to the couch when he gets here tomorrow.”

Chris exhales slowly and looks around. It definitely looks like a room Darren used to live in – band and Broadway posters on the wall, a small keyboard still in the corner. It’s not that he hasn’t thought about it – sleeping in the same bed. They just haven’t taken that step yet. “No,” he says, stepping toward Darren. “We can… stay in here. I wouldn’t want your parents to think that something is wrong between us.”

“They wouldn’t,” Darren says, reaching up and brushing his fingers along Chris’s hairline. “I don’t want you to agree to this just because of what my parents might think.”

Chris leans into the touch and closes his eyes. “I want to,” he says after a moment, blinking his eyes open. “As long as you don’t snore too loudly,” he says with a smirk.

“I’ll have you know that I don’t snore at all,” Darren says defiantly, leaning in for a quick kiss. “We should get back down there before my mom manages to sneak out all of my baby books.”

“Ooh, now _that_ I need to see,” Chris says, grinning as he follows Darren back downstairs.

The evening passes quickly, and Chris is surprised to realize he’s comfortable around Darren’s parents. He hasn’t said much, but he’s enjoying being curled up next to Darren on the couch and listening to Darren’s parents (mostly Cerina) tell him stories of Darren’s childhood, much to Darren’s displeasure.

When Cerina claims that it’s time for her and Bill to head to bed, Chris immediately offers to clean up the dishes from their tea. Cerina smiles and kisses Chris on the cheek before taking Bill’s hand and going upstairs.

“I told you my parents would love you,” Darren says, wrapping his arms around Chris’s waist from behind. He holds Chris tight, which makes it difficult for Chris to gather the dishes. “Just like I do,” he whispers.

Chris freezes, and he’s glad he didn’t have anything in his hands yet because he certainly would’ve dropped it. “You – “

Darren slowly spins Chris around so they’re facing each other. “I do. I love you, Chris,” he says, stepping in close and pulling Chris into a hug. “I think I’ve been falling since I first found out that you’re my soulmate.”

Chris can feel his heart beating against his ribcage, and he ducks his head against Darren’s neck, his eyes slipping closed. “I’m sorry – “ he says, and it physically pains him to say this, but he has to. “I’m not… I’m not there yet. But – soon. I’m getting there.”

It would have been so easy to just parrot the words back to Darren, but he doesn’t want to say something that isn’t quite true yet. He knows he’s well on his way to being in love with Darren, but he doesn’t want to say those words until _truly_ feels it.

“Hey, no,” Darren says, one hand running up and down Chris’s back. “Don’t apologize – I just couldn’t hold it in any longer,” he says, pressing a kiss to Chris’s temple. “Take as much time as you need.”

Chris relaxes and pulls back before going in for a kiss, pressing hard and urgently against Darren’s mouth. He’s about to slip his tongue past Darren’s lips when he suddenly remembers they’re standing in Darren’s parent’s living room. “Uh,” he says with a chuckle when they part. “We should probably go do those dishes.”

Darren laughs along with Chris and helps gather the cups before leading Chris to the kitchen. “We can continue that later,” he says with a wink and turns the faucet on.

Once the dishes are dried and put away, Darren lets Chris have the bathroom first to change and brush his teeth.  Chris is glad for the few minutes alone, so he can gather his thoughts and take a breather.

He knows there isn’t any pressure –especially being in Darren’s childhood bedroom, but he’s still nervous. He brought pajama pants, and he never sleeps with his packer, so once he’s finished changing it’s obvious that there’s nothing… there. Objectively, he knows Darren knows that but it’s still a little nerve-wracking to be around anyone without that extra layer of security.

After wrapping his packer up in his pants, he brushes his teeth and heads back to Darren’s bedroom, where Darren is sitting on the bed, already changed into sweatpants and a t-shirt. “Your turn,” Chris says, stuffing his clothes into his bag.

 “Be back in a jiffy,” Darren says as he gets up and plants a kiss on Chris’s cheek before leaving the room.

Chris stares at the bed after Darren leaves, wondering if he should be settled in before Darren comes back. He usually sleeps on the left side of the bed at home, but what if that’s also Darren’s side? He spends so much time agonizing over such an insignificant decision; he’s still standing there when Darren returns.

“Everything okay?” Darren asks, setting his hands on Chris’s shoulders and gently rubbing for a few moments. “Should I go sleep in Chuck’s room?”

“No,” Chris says, shaking his head. “I was just trying to figure out which side of the bed I should sleep on.”

Darren gives Chris’s shoulders a squeeze. “Whichever side you usually take. I’ll be fine either way, sweetheart,” he says, walking up to the bed and pulling the covers back. “I’m so fucking exhausted after that drive; I’ll probably be zonked out as soon as my head hits the pillow.”

“Me too,” Chris says, crawling up on the mattress and quickly pulling the sheets up to his waist. “If you snore, I’m pushing you off the side of the bed.”

Darren closes the door and turns the light off before climbing in next to Chris. “Don’t worry, I don’t snore,” he says, scooting in close and running his fingers through Chris’s hair. “I’m afraid if I spend a few nights sleeping next to you, I won’t ever want to go back to sleeping alone.”

“Sometimes I have pretty vivid dreams,” Chris whispers, brushing his nose against Darren’s. “I might kick you in the shins.” Now that he’s here, next to Darren in the dark, he’s no longer nervous. He trusts Darren and he’s pretty sure Darren’s right – Chris’s bed is going to feel pretty big and lonely when he gets home Sunday night.

Darren shakes his head and leans in for a kiss, smiling against Chris’s mouth. “I’m pretty durable, and I like you next to me like this.”

Chris hums happily and kisses back for a little while before he has to pull away and yawn. “Sorry,” he says, yawning again.

“Don’t apologize,” Darren says, giving Chris one more quick kiss before rolling away. “See you in the morning?”

Chris was expecting to fall asleep in Darren’s arms, but truthfully, he’s glad for the space – he was worried about feeling too constricted and not being able to actually fall asleep. “Goodnight.”

The rest of the trip flies by. Chris meets Darren’s brother, Chuck (still soulmate-less, himself) and they bond over stories from Darren’s childhood that even their parents don’t know.

It’s the first Thanksgiving dinner that Chris has ever had where everyone at the table catches up on each other’s lives with laughter and encouragement instead of disappointed sighs and glares. It’s wonderful and after only two days, Chris is already feeling like he’s part of Darren’s family.

Darren shows Chris around the city, making sure to point out all of his favorite places, including his favorite spot to look out at the Golden Gate Bridge. If Chris didn’t have a job and bills to pay, he’d suggest packing up and moving right away. San Francisco is beautiful.

When it’s time to drive back home, Chris offers to take the wheel, but Darren just pulls Chris into a distracting kiss before jingling the keys in his hand. “You’re the one that has to work tomorrow, my love. You can drive when we visit your family.”

Chris knows that when they visit his parents, it will not go nearly as well as it did with Darren’s. Chris is fairly sure that Darren won’t leave with the sense that he’s gained more family members, like Chris is feeling right now. He would try to get out of it, but ever since Hannah found out about Darren, she’s been texting Chris daily to find out more about him, and he _hates_ disappointing her.

*

Darren’s gone for most of the month of December. He spends a week in Chicago with some friends and then has to head to New York to help a buddy with their album. Chris misses him, but Darren never misses a skype date and they text all the time.

Chris picks Darren up at the airport when Darren arrives back in Los Angeles. They only have a few days to spend together before they have to head up to Clovis for Christmas, and Chris still has to work, so Darren invites himself to stay over at Chris’s apartment until they have to leave.

“This is okay, right? Me staying here?” Darren asks as they’re getting out of the car in front of Chris’s building.

Chris rolls his eyes fondly and pops the trunk so Darren can grab his luggage, which Chris is sure is full of dirty laundry. Good thing there’s a functional washer and dryer in his building. “Of course it is,” Chris says, helping Darren with one of his bags. “I missed you, and I want to be able to spend time with you before we have to deal with my family.”

“I’m sure it’ll be just fine,” Darren says as they approach Chris’s door. “And I missed you too… wish you could’ve come with me.”

Chris nods and swings open his apartment door. “If I had more vacation time, I definitely would’ve.”

Darren just rolls his suitcase as far as the living room and lets it drop to the floor before collapsing on the couch. “Fuck, that was a long flight,” he says as he closes his eyes.

Chris lets Darren nap while he puts something together for dinner for them. He considers taking Darren’s clothes down to the laundry room, but quickly decides that he can leave that task for Darren when Chris is at work the next few days.

*

When it comes to packing for their three-day trip to Chris’s parents, Chris doesn’t give much thought to what he throws in his bag. No matter what he wears, his dad is going to look at him like he doesn’t understand – like he still is expecting Chris to wear a dress on Christmas Day.

“If we can manage to steal Hannah away and spend most of the time with her, we might survive this,” Chris mutters as he tosses enough socks and underwear into his bag for exactly three days. He’s not going to let his mother guilt him into staying any longer – he doesn’t want to subject Darren or himself to that. There’s a reason he left Clovis.

“She sounds sweet,” Darren says from where he’s sprawled out on Chris’s bed.

“She is, you’ll like her,” Chris says, crawling onto the bed next to Darren. “I’m glad I’ll have you there with me this year, to distract me from feeling like a pariah in my parent’s home.”

Darren hums sympathetically and brushes his fingers through the short hair on the side of Chris’s head. “It’s a shame we couldn’t just bring Hannah out here for Christmas, that way you could still see her and not have to deal with your parents.”

Chris sighs and nuzzles in closer to Darren. “I wish, but my mom would never go for it. Maybe it won’t be so bad, since you’ll be there. They’ll want to be on their best behavior.”

A soft snore comes from Darren, and Chris looks up to see that Darren has fallen asleep. He smiles and closes his eyes, figuring that a nap before they leave is a good idea.

*

Chris immediately regrets visiting when they arrive at his parent’s house late in the evening and his mother immediately informs him that she has turned his old bedroom into an office, so she’s decided that he can sleep in Hannah’s room and Darren can have the couch.

“Hannah is already asleep and she has a twin bed, mom. We can just go get a hotel room,” Chris says, looking pleadingly at Darren. Chris’s dad has barely said two words to them since they arrived, and Chris is already feeling stifled. Being able to spend their nights away from his family sounds like a great idea.

“I – okay? We can do that,” Darren says, shrugging in Chris’s direction.

Chris’s mom, Karyn, glances over to where Chris’s dad is sitting on the couch, watching the news, before turning back to Chris and Darren. “Hannah is going to be really disappointed if she wakes up and you’re not here.”

Chris pinches the bridge of his nose and tries to stay calm. He hates that Darren has to see this. “We’ll be back early, I promise. I just want to sleep, and the floor or an air mattress is just going to make my back ache.”

“Fine,” Karyn says shortly. “But I expect you here in time for breakfast.”

“Yes, mom,” Chris says and ushers Darren back out of the house. “I’m… sorry about that,” he says as soon as the front door is shut behind them.

Darren wraps an arm around Chris’s waist and presses a kiss to the corner of Chris’s mouth. “All I’m worried about is you being happy, and if renting a room for a couple of nights will help with that, then that’s what we’ll do.”

Chris fishes the keys out of his pocket and unlocks the car. “It’ll help, that’s for sure.”

*

When they wake up on Christmas Day, they don’t have time to lounge around in bed or exchange gifts (they’ll do that later, once they get back to the hotel room) because Hannah demanded they be at the house at the crack of dawn so she can open presents.

“I haven’t been awake this early on Christmas Day since I still believed in Santa,” Darren groans as they get into the car. “I used to piss Chuck off by jumping up on his bed to wake him up; I usually got him right in the nuts.”

Chris snorts and starts the engine. “Hannah’s an early-riser anyway, but when there’s presents involved she doesn’t let anyone sleep in.”

Chris isn’t surprised to see that there aren’t any gifts for Darren under the tree, even though he knows there’s a package waiting for him at home from Darren’s parents. Granted, the only gifts Chris receives from his parents are socks and a scarf – the same thing he gets every year, so he wasn’t expecting for them to go above and beyond for Darren. When he unwraps Hannah’s gift, it’s a set of bookends.

“So you have somewhere to put all the books you write, Chrissy!”

It’s one of the most thoughtful gifts he’s ever received, and he gives her a tight hug and kiss on the cheek as thanks.

They’re able to get a little time alone with Hannah when, after presents are taken care of, she drags them both up to her room to talk and listen to music. She _loves_ Darren, especially once Darren starts singing along with her to one of her favorite songs.

“You can keep him, I approve,” Hannah says, slightly out of breath from dancing.

Chris laughs and leans against Darren, wishing that all of his family visits could be as easy as it is in this moment. “Oh I’m so glad you approve of my soulmate, I don’t know what I would’ve done otherwise.”

Hannah shrugs and looks at Darren. “Dumped him, obviously.”

“I wouldn’t get a say in that?” Darren asks, holding his hand over his heart like he’s wounded. “Ouch, babe.”

“What Hannah says, goes,” Chris says, a teasing smile on his face. “If she didn’t approve, well… you’d be out on the street.”

“Yep,” Hannah says, folding her arms over her chest. “Good thing I like you.”

Darren smiles and blows a kiss in her direction. “Good thing,” he agrees.

It isn’t long before they’re called down for lunch, and Chris refrains from rolling his eyes when he sees that the table has been obviously set for Darren to sit across from him, not next to him.

Sitting down to a meal with his family is nothing like it was at Thanksgiving with Darren’s family. The only one really making conversation is Hannah, and she talks to both Darren and Chris, obviously aware of the tension between Chris and their parents.

They almost make it through the entire meal without incident until Chris’s dad, Tim, clears his throat. “Christina, will you just – “

“Excuse me?” Darren says, cutting Tim off. “His name is Christopher, not Christina.”

Tim looks at Darren with tired, uncaring eyes and Chris wants to cut in and say something, but Darren looks like he’s not finished.

“I’m not usually a confrontational guy, but I’ve been here for two days and I’ve seen the looks you give your _son_ ,” Darren says, glancing at both Tim and Karyn. “Parents should love their children unconditionally, and obviously you still have issues with who he really is. He’s my soulmate. Yes, I was waiting to find Christina Colfer my whole life, but when I found Chris? _That’s_ when I knew. _He_ is my soulmate, and I’m in love with _him_.”

Everyone at the table just stares at Darren, including Chris. Chris’s heart is racing so fast he can feel his pulse against his throat, and he’s overcome with just how _much_ he suddenly feels for Darren.

“I’m ready to watch TV,” Hannah announces, breaking the silence and sliding her chair away from the table. “Chrissy, come with me.”

“I – just a second,” Chris says, standing up from his seat. He doesn’t care if it’s rude to leave the table before he’s finished eating, but he needs to talk to Darren right _now_. “Darren, could you…?” He gestures toward the stairs.

Tim and Karyn are still quiet as Darren excuses himself and follows Chris. Chris is pretty sure they’ve never been talked to like that, and they probably have no idea what to say.

“I’m sorry,” Darren says, once they’re out of earshot from Chris’s family. “I don’t know what came over me, I just – “

“Stop talking,” Chris rushes out as he pushes Darren against the wall and presses their lips together. “Don’t apologize for that,” he says against Darren’s mouth, licking against Darren’s bottom lip. “That was…” he trails off, pulling back so he can look into Darren’s eyes. “I love you.”

Darren’s eyes widen and he slumps against the wall, eyes shining. “I love you, too. So much. And if you want to head home right now, we can. Just say the fucking word and we’ll go grab our stuff and hightail it out of here.”

It sounds like a really good idea, especially since it’s going to be even more awkward and tense around his parents after Darren’s outburst. He can make it up to Hannah by maybe having her over for New Year’s. “Yes, let’s head home.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading, please reblog on [Tumblr](http://controlofwhatido.tumblr.com/post/132094421495/fic-burn-my-bridges-down-crisscolfer-pg-13)!
> 
> I was only able to tell about half the story I had planned, so look for a sequel ~~coming early next year (2016)~~. I realize I'm terrible and haven't finished the sequel yet, but it is coming! Fingers crossed for summer 2018. :)


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